Parent guides › After the game
For parents · Ages 10–12What to say after a game:
ages 10 to 12
By ten to twelve your child can do real thinking about the game. They also start caring what you think, and what their friends think, in new ways. The best conversations now are the ones they lead.
Ask, then listen. Your opinion is rarely what they need.
Let them go first
Give them the first word, even if it takes a while. A preteen who hears your opinion first will either agree to end the conversation or argue with you. Neither helps. If you say nothing and stay relaxed, you will often hear more.
Questions that work
“What do you want to try next time?”
“Did you have fun?”
“Do you want to talk about it, or leave it?”
What to skip
- Replaying the game from the sideline point of view.
- Talking about teammates. It gets back to them, and it teaches the wrong thing.
- Second-guessing the coach’s decisions.
- Bringing up tryouts or next season after a bad game.
Ask what they want from you
Here is a question worth asking on a calm day: “What do you want me to do on the sideline?” Their answer might surprise you. Many kids this age want you there and want you quiet. They can hear you, and so can their friends.
When they blame others
Teammates, the referee, the field. Do not pile on, and do not lecture. Say “That sounds frustrating,” and let them cool off. Later, if the moment is right, ask what part of it they could control. It works much better as a question than a speech.
When they have been moved or benched
This stings at this age, because friends can see it. Listen first. Then encourage them to ask the coach one question: “What do I need to work on?” It takes courage, and a child who learns to ask it has picked up something useful for life.
Questions parents ask
My child won’t tell me anything about the game. Should I push?
No. Ask one open question and let it go. They will talk when they are ready, and pushing usually delays it.
Should I talk to my child about their teammates’ mistakes?
No. If they bring it up, listen, but do not add to it.
What if my child is rude after a loss?
Give them space first. You can talk about how they spoke to you later, once everyone has calmed down.
My child wants to quit ›Is my child behind? ›Rec or travel? ›What to expect at U11 ›What to expect at U12 ›Next: ages 12 to 14 ›